Deal With Your Love Problems
Title: Bringing Back The Passion (Continued)
By: Rebel Lorenz
Of course, you need some basic rules – these will probably be what you can't do without – things that are aligned with what you truly value. For example: if you value honesty then a rule that you have may be that you always tell the truth to one another; if you value monogamy, then your rule will be that you don't sleep around; if you value respect, then you may have a rule that you don't raise your voice or swear at each other. The harder your rules are to fulfil then the more likely your partner will break your rules and then you won't feel loved – the connection and passion between you will begin to die.
If you want to keep that lovin' feeling have rules that are easy to fulfill and serve your values.
I don't think they're going to need passion lessons
The next part is important - find out what your partner needs in order to feel loved.
* Do they feel loved when you do things for them?
* Do they feel loved when you tell them you love them?
* Do they feel loved when you buy them gifts?
* Do they feel loved when you touch them?
* Do they feel loved when you spend quality time with them?
Strike up a conversation with them about what they need in order to feel loved…and then, here's the thing…(as long as it doesn't compromise your values) do it for them! If a surprise bunch of flowers makes her feel loved then do it. If buying him something he loves does it…then go for it. If telling she's beautiful and you love her makes her eyes light up then there's your key to passion. If massaging his shoulders without being asked makes him relax then there's your pass to love.
In relationships, most couples don't do what it takes! They say "Well, when she…then I'll…" Each is waiting for the other to make an effort. Here is the big truth…this is NOT your practice relationship – this is your relationship – either you make an effort to make it work or not! It's up to you! Are you going to do what it takes?
We train people how to treat us. So, don't compromise on the things that matter most to you. If your partner does something to upset you let them know how you feel and ask them to find another way to relate to you. If you don't let them know that certain things are unacceptable to you then more than likely they will continue this behavior until you can't bear it any more. Train each other how to fulfill each other's love strategies.
Apart from not knowing how to fulfill your partner's love strategy the next thing that will kill your relationship is negative associations. What does this mean? We unconsciously link certain emotions to specific things that our partner does. This works great if we link positive emotions to the things that they do…however, if we link a negative emotion to something that they do then even the smallest, insignificant thing can bring the relationship to a grinding halt. Notice when something your partner does excites an unreasonable reaction in you – ask yourself "What is this really about?"
I was working with a couple who were at odds with one another and they didn't know why. We discovered that as soon as he came home and she asked him how his day was that he immediately disconnected from her. He had gone through tough time at work and had associated coming home and seeing her face with recalling his tough days and would automatically feel burdened and frustrated. It had nothing to do with her but unconsciously he had linked the two things together. They need to BREAK THE PATTERN. She decided to create some surprises for him for when he came home – and their relationship flourished.
What patterns do you need to break? What is zapping the passion from your relationship? Find fun and creative ways to sever these links so that you can have your relationship explode with passion.
Finally what does it ultimately take to have passion in your relationship?
It takes you BEING passionate!
If you want passion then be passionate – BE, DO, HAVE – be passionate, do passionate things and have passion.
Make that decision now and commit to being passionate. Find out what your partner needs to feel love and passion. Break the patterns that are holding you back and create new loving, passionate patterns. This IS your relationship NOW – create it the way you want it.
Rebel Lorenz is a Director of CoachNetwork.net - a global network of the highest caliber coaches & speakers and self-coaching programs. She provides one-on-one coaching and consultations, and group presentations, combining the best of the field of counseling with NLP based coaching to deliver unique, client centered, holistic consultations—empowering the client with health, life and change management skills.
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