Deal With Your Love Problems
Title: Bringing Back The Passion
By: Rebel Lorenz
Has your relationship lost the spark that it once had? Do you remember when you had butterflies in your tummy when the phone rang, hoping it was them? When you just couldn't wait to see them again? When their smell, smile or look in their eyes ...
Now you think to yourself…what happened? How did we lose that "lovin' feeling'? Where did it all go? You look at your partner and see all the things that are "wrong" with them. They don't smile any more…and neither do you. And…their smell…well they can go take a shower!
Are there butterflies in her tummy?
It's not uncommon to hear that the things that once turned each other on now turn each other off. What once was cute is now annoying. What once you tolerated is now intolerable.
Well, what did happen? Probably the very two things that destroy most relationships – unfulfilled love strategies and a whole bunch of negative associations.
Let's talk about love strategies. What is a love strategy? It's what needs to happen in order for you to feel loved? How do you know what your love strategy is? Simple…just answer this question, "What needs to happen in order for me to feel loved?" Is it that simple? Well, it's a simple question, however the answer can be quite complex…depending on how many rules you have for being loved.
Lucky in strategy games, lucky in love
When talking with one couple have a challenging time in their relationship. I asked them that very question, "What needs to happen in order for you to feel loved?" The husband jokingly answered "She just needs to show up!" The truth behind his answer was that in order to feel loved she needed to act a certain way, do certain things, and say certain things. In other words he had a whole set of criteria that needed fulfilling in order for him to feel loved by her. In fact his rules were so limiting that there was no way that she could possibly meet these requirements…and so despite her best efforts to express her love to him he felt unloved by her. The wife answered this question with a long list of things and when we broke it down what she really needed in order to feel loved was his undivided attention. When we looked at how they were going about loving each other we quickly discovered that she was trying to express her love for him by telling him how much she loved him. She did this because that is how she felt loved – when she had his attention and he told her he loved her – but he rarely did that! He was trying to express his love for her by buying her gifts – because he felt loved when she bought him things that he liked. Each of them were in the throws of the fatal mistake of expressing their love the way that they felt loved and their relationship was becoming increasingly distant.
So, find out what you need in order to feel loved. Get out a pen and paper and write it down. Be honest with yourself. Don't just write what you think sounds good – write truly, really what needs to happen in order for you to feel loved. Discover if your rules are easy to fulfil or impossible to fulfil. If you discover that you have a whole heap of rules that make it impossible for you to feel loved then…guess what? Now you can get rid of them and look forward to feeling loved. He with the least rules is happiest!
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